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Cherished memories and happy times - remembering Graham by Juliet Bawtree

So many cherished memories about Gray that I can only scrape the surface here. Over time though, I’ll make sure I recall them with Towe, the girls and his friends.
One thing Graham was not was just one of my best friend’s husbands. He was a very dear friend in his own right such that in retrospect, I think he was probably my most constant male friend. I have to thank Towe as when she met and married Gray, I gained an incredible friend. Our old friendship was not watered down in any way. It was amazing how quickly they became the fantastic “G&T” team that it is difficult to recall not knowing Gray so well if that makes any sense.
However, I will never forget first hearing about Towe (AKA ‘Bird’) & Gray’s budding friendship over a glass of pre Christmas bubbly in 2000 at what was, back in the day, an old ‘Birds’ haunt on the Kings Road. Towe had a real sparkle in her eyes when she told me about Gray. On being told about the age gap, his grey hair and the fact he was as deputy head, her mentor, I merrily challenged her feelings as being a ‘schoolgirl’ or rather ‘teaching assistant’ crush! A story that Gray (the ‘silver fox’) found hilarious. How wrong I was though and that became apparent very quickly. Indeed, I changed my tune completely after only having met Gray once so that by April 2001, I told Towe that I thought he was the one for her and that they would marry.
I met Gray just the once before I went to Oman in April 2001. We were both helping Towe move to her little flat in Thame and I was struck by how compassionate, calm and kind he was when quietly helping out with putting up bookshelves and sorting things out. When the hard work was done, we had the first of many lovely meals out all together and thought Gray utterly charming and could really feel the warmth between them.
Despite the fact that I was living in Oman during the early years of the G&T courtship up to and including their wedding, I was made to feel so welcome each time I came back and visited them in Thame. It was then that we set up the tradition of a Bird shopette and lunch whilst G had a bit of time to himself (catching up on the football in those days!), followed by the three of us sharing a bottle of bubbly and having a good old catch up. This included the Birds fashion show sporting our (well, mainly mine!) latest purchases from Bicester Village. A lot of men would have bored of this but Gray joined in enthusiastically coining the phrase “So how much did you save Bird?!” With Gray’s excellent maths, he would tot up the grand total pretty quickly and we’d celebrate what fantastic savings had been made! Occasionally though, he would raise an eyebrow and exclaim that it was a rather small item for the price tag! Gray certainly had an eye for style and his input was always most valuable.
Over the years, I’ve been privileged to have spent so many happy weekends chez Hollows. The traditions remained. Once the girls arrived, Gray would without any grumbling, delight in taking them swimming and shopping or perhaps sitting down and introducing them to the Saturday afternoon football, whilst Towe and I had some Bird catch up time. I much looked forward to those weekends. We always had great times together usually involving delicious food, wine, bubbles and perhaps some Strictly in the Autumn. The photo attached of Gray with the Birds was one such evening captured with the self-timer that Towe is a master of. Gray loved (I think and hope!) catching up on the Bird gossip over a chilled glass of bubbly but we’d laugh when a glass or two of wine and a delicious meal later, he’d get rather sleepy signalling time for him to happily head off to catch up on kip leaving us to chatter into the early hours. Sunday morning breakfasts chez Hollows were a triumph with Gray’s fantastic pancake making. A treat for us all! I always felt so relaxed and welcome that I didn’t feel like a guest with G&T in Thame becoming a bit of a second home.
The day after I moved into my little ‘nest’ (as Towe calls it), the G&T team were the first friends to come over armed with wine and goodies. They enthusiastically arrived with Aila who was a babe in arms then and didn’t mind a bit that together with my parents, we had to have a makeshift lunch surrounded by the chaos of hundreds and hundreds of boxes. Both then and over the years, Gray seemingly happily volunteered his DIY skills and helped with a variety of things from setting up my monster of a TV from Oman to mending my broken desk and wobbly loo seat!
The only one condition Gray ever imposed was that I make a curry (much to Towe’s horror!) just once. I had to compromise with Towe and make it a mild one but we had a lovely relaxed evening so much so that by the time we sat down to eat, it was about 11 pm and Towe ate in her pyjamas! There was never any fuss when they all stayed over with the girls sleeping in my wee study room. Many a person would have baulked at staying over en famille in my little place but it was never any trouble and Gray always joined in with the Bird twitter and banter- a true friend!
My last weekend stay with G&T in September was not unlike any other in that as ever, it was lovely, fun and relaxing. However, it was poignant that I spent more time than usual with Gray as being the early stages of the ‘Pip’, Towe was not feeling great. Gray, a techno whizz as far as I was concerned, counselled me carefully on the new TV purchase I was about to make, proudly demonstrating his new Panasonic that Towe had got him as a birthday surprise. Gray’s enthusiasm was catching and it didn’t take him long to persuade me to go for the bigger (32”) screen. After all, it was only £10 more than the 28”! I was slightly concerned it might be too big for my sitting room but to Gray’s credit, when it arrived, it fitted perfectly!
It’s so terribly sad that we were all blissfully unaware of what was about to unravel just a couple of months later. When Gray took me to Haddenham & Thame station together with the girls, we were joking away waiting for the train. I could never have imagined that waving back with a goodbye through the window at a smiley Gray and the girls, was a permanent farewell.
Graham as a funny, self deprecating, ever supportive and empathetic friend, will never be forgotten. Writing this blog has been difficult but remembering Graham will never be.

Bird

Over £1800 raised for charities at Memorial Service

The total amount raised as a result of the memorial service was £1893.12. This has been divided among the two charities - Winston's Wish and Teacher Support Network. Towe and the charities send thanks to you all for your generosity.

Both charities have set up a fund in Graham's name so that any further fundraising can be added to the total above and we can continue to both keep his memory alive and raise money for them. So if you decide to make a donation, or do a fundraising event in Graham's name, please mention his name when you donate and it will be added to the total.

James Milne is doing a half-marathon in April for Winston's Wish (in Graham's name, so this will be added to Graham's fund) - if you would like to sponsor him, please visit his Justgiving site:
http://www.justgiving.com/James-Milne

Tribute from Pauline Latham, School Administrator, Stoke Mandeville Combined School

Tribute delivered by Pauline at the special school service on 27th November 2009

Graham Hollows was a man I enjoyed working with. As part of the office team I was grateful to him for his trust in our ability to do the job without constant supervision or intervention. He was always ready to praise those who he felt repaid that trust and was grateful for a job well done.

He was excited by his vision for the school and what could be achieved there, always striving to provide the best for the children, and aware of the staff’s devotion to their tasks and their willingness to give their time and expertise beyond contractual obligation.


In the School Office, we knew Graham as a caring, professional Headteacher, who, whilst always being careful that the decisions he made were in line with governor and county policies, also considered the effect of those decisions on the staff and children in his care.

Although Graham had been Head of the school for such a short time, we came to know his sense of humour (with quite regular outbursts of giggles!), we experienced his kindness and compassion, his down-to-earth approach to problems,his love of Strictly Coming Dancing (and the regular discussions on Monday mornings about the latest couple to be “ejected”) and his very obvious devotion to Towe, Aila and Leiva. He was so excited about the forthcoming addition to their family.

We miss him very much.

Tribute from Kim Price, Head of Hearing Impairment Department, Stoke Mandeville Combined School

Tribute delivered by Kim at the special school service for Graham on 27th November 2009.

Graham was a man of vision and purpose. He enabled the staff to develop and grow – to bring out the best in us. There are those of us who, without his care and guidance, would not have truly seen our worth or even valued skills that Graham could see within us. For that I will always be deeply grateful.

Graham valued the things that we felt were important to our school – music and singing were as important to him as they are to us. His pride in the children performing at the Albert Hall was tangible.

Graham’s sense of purpose had a lighter side – his lunch box assembly, us not knowing where he was and finding him outside eating his lunch with the children and his Bruce Forsyth “Strictly Come Dancing” routine.
These are the memories he has left with the children – for me it is the privilege to have worked with such a gentle-souled man with vision and purpose.

Tribute from Jackie Crook, Deputy Head, Stoke Mandeville Combined School

Tribute delivered by Jackie at a special school service in Graham's memory on 27th November, 2009

When I first met Graham I was impressed by how he conveyed his vision for the school. He mentioned the library, play ground, mini bus, entrance hall, nursery ... the list went on and I became excited at the prospect of working with him to achieve his ideal and was delighted to be appointed his deputy. I am grateful to have benefitted from his wisdom and knowledge.

He was calm – and kept me calm. When I was anxious about things he would ask – how tough is your skin? And then, is it any tougher yet Jackie?

Graham was an excellent head but, moreover, a real family man - he shared his obvious pride and love for Towe, Aila and Leiva with us all, talking about them often. He kept the sense of proportion real – work to live, not live to work.

He cared how we all felt and knew all our strengths, which he encouraged, alongside giving us all enough challenge to grow within our job.

I for one learnt so much in the short time we worked together and he gave me opportunities and the confidence to undertake challenges which made coming to work exciting. Friends asked what my new head was like – I always replied that he was a really nice man, a real gentleman and that is how I will remember him – a really nice man who it was a real privilege to know. I miss you Graham.

Chris's tribute to Graham

The text of Chris Saunders' tribute to Graham delivered at his Memorial Service on 7th December 2009

Take care.

Those were the words that Graham used to sign off our telephone conversations. And that one word - care - just sums up the Graham I knew. He was a lovely mixture of the careful and the carefree, he cared deeply about other people, and he loved caring.

The Graham that I first met in the late 90s was definitely a careful man. Anyone who helped him shift furniture around his house (which seemed to happen with astonishing regularity) would know that his garage was stuffed to the brim with things that he just could not throw away. His house – particularly for a single man – was tidy and clean and DIY projects were planned and delivered with painstaking perfection. Above all, he was careful in what he said. Our first conversation was actually a rather awkward one about seat belts in school buses, but he defused my passion with calm and grace. Serious conversations with Graham weren’t short, because he thought so deeply about issues from many perspectives, thought about what he would say and was then gentle and diplomatic in how he said it. His support, his counsel and his generous willingness to give time helped me through some difficult days and I am sure I am only one of many.

Serious decisions required time. When the newly-qualified Towe arrived at John Hampden School, and mentoring turned to friendship, friendship became romance, romance became love, it was clear that there was a serious decision to be made. He considered matters carefully and when he’d decided, that was a decision. The careful bachelor became the carefree betrothed. He showered her with his love and care, be it small notes left for her when he went away, a weekend retreat, far-flung trips abroad, a bottle of their favourite Veuve, the daily phone call that showed that she was uppermost in his thoughts, or just being there. He made her feel safe, allowed her to be herself; similarly she released in him a deeply romantic love, as well as ambition and purpose. They complemented each other perfectly and to us will always be just G&T.

He enjoyed being slightly and quietly different, embracing the Anglo-Swedish lifestyle with a Swedish wedding, Swedish holidays and frequent trips to Ikea at all times of day and night. He steadily became proficient in another language so he could have a private conversation with his family in a public place, or share a little joke. And he had a great sense of humour, giving fun at work and at home – playing Bruce Forsyth in the children’s talent show in school, hiding notices from colleagues for a bit of harmless fun. No pupil of his will forget Graham eating jelly babies – head first, with sound effects. One week he anonymously left two bottles of something different on our doorstep for us to find each morning – one day milk, the next wine, on the third shampoo. It was just fun, all positive fun.

And finally to Graham as a father. Given the number of children who had passed through his professional care, it is not surprising that he would make a wonderful daddy for Aila and Leiva. For them he attended every medical appointment and ante-natal scan; he sang to them before they were born (and after), he reconstructed their home in anticipation. Whenever there was a gathering, Graham was the one who went outside to play with the children; his party puppet shows – entirely impromptu – were legendary among the children of Thame. And who makes the best pancakes? Daddy. He was no reluctant provider – he loved them unconditionally and loved caring for them, while at the same time teaching them - to read, to swim, to ride a bike. We joked about the fact that the silver fox - as we called him - was a little older and greyer than the average daddy, that his retirement plans had changed somewhat, that his life had taken an unexpected turn, but the truth was he would not have swapped his new family for anything.

I sometimes wonder how much of Graham I really knew. Not because he was particularly secretive or personal, but because his selflessness meant that he focused on you first. And not just me but you, whoever you were, all of you. He put others at the centre of his life, made time for everybody, made us feel better about ourselves, made us better people. A teacher of all of us, young and old, he was the finest of men, truly a gentle man, humble, selfless, generous and, above all, caring.

Now Graham you are receiving the offer of care in another place. Take that care.

Take care.